Indecent Proposal

Last weekend, in preparation for eventually turning our middle bedroom upstairs into a nursery, I posted several items on craigslist to sell. A tv, a tv stand, and a couch. Here is the ad for the couch:

Dark blue couch for sale. Fair condition, but clean. Not a sleeper sofa. Has a small area on one arm that was chewed by a puppy. The pillows are included if you want them. You MUST have two people to carry it to your vehicle, as it is upstairs in a guest room, and my wife is pregnant and cannot help.

For those of you who don't know how craigslist works, if someone replies to the ad, it sends an email to my email address using an anonymous address, so that my email address can't be seen, and they don't have any personal information visible in the ad. I received several offers, and already sold the tv stand and some old golf clubs, as well as gave away some really old golf clubs. No one has seemed real interested in that awesome couch though. It's been up for over a week with no takers. So I was very excited yesterday to see a response to the couch ad. I was not expecting this. The actual response I received:

robs_tx@yahoo.com wrote:

I was looking at different CL listings and I was lucky and found
herrs.

First, let me tell her a little about myself:I am an honest and
sincere man and know how to treat a lady well. Whenever I am with her,
she will have my full attention. I am genuine and will always treat
her with honor and respect. I am passionate about many things in life
and can be inspired by many things. I think that life is too short to not reach for those things her desire.I am very romantic and enjoy pampering my lovers with attention and with special care. I want to always make her feel special and beautiful. It makes me happiest when I am able to spoil her and make her feel like the most adored of all women.I am looking for a pregnant lover.

I adore pregnant ladies. There is nothing more beautiful
or lovely in the world a pregnant woman. I think pregnant women are so
adorable. I love to spoil them and make them feel very special and
beautiful.I love how radiant she becomes – her face glows in
motherhood. I love all the curves and the shape of her body as it
changes. I love the way her skin feels as it becomes more sensitive to
touch. I love how her hips have spread, and her belly has grown.I want
your wife to be my lover.I am sure you know as your wife grows more pregnant,her back becomes sore, her belly hurts, her feet and ankles swell. She will want you to be there to care for her at all times. She will want massages from you; she will want you to give her hot baths. She will want you to paint her
fingernails and toenails. Rub her back for her, rub her belly for her,
rub her feet for her. Any need or desire she has, you will have to comply.

You can't be expected to do all these things for her. Let me step in and do these things on your behalf. You go out with your friends, have a beer and enjoy the game. Let me satisfy all her needs that she has at this time. I will do it all for her.

Can I be your wife’s lover?

I have contemplated setting up a fake email account and responding. If I do, I'll let you know what he says.

It's a Girl. Or a Boy.

We dropped 40 bucks on an Intelligender test, which tests the urine and tells you what sex your baby is long before an ultrasound. Supposedly. We took the test, and it was clearly a boy, according to the handy color change chart. However, we took the test a little before we were supposed to, since we misread the directions. So we dropped 40 more bones on another one this week. This one says girl.

Best 2 out of three or save my 40 bucks for a voodoo Chinese horoscope calendar chart?

PregNANCY

I'm not going to bore you with the same old "Our fetus is now the size of a radish" stuff, because everyone does that. My goal is to try to have a little fun with this pregnancy thing and give you some perspective from the male point of view. After all, it is a very exciting time in our lives, we've never done this before, and I now have something to blog about.

Nancy has been surprisingly unaffected by pregnancy symptoms like nausea, etc so far. . .which I firmly believe means we are going to have a little hellion on our hands. Because things can't always be this easy. That, or Nancy will be on bedrest for the last 5 months. That would be fun.

She of course bought the bible of moms-to-be: What to Expect When You're Expecting. She did not, however, hide the book very well when our friends came over for New Years Eve. Devin recognized this book immediately under our couch. She did not ask any questions however. The same cannot be said for Tiff. Knowing that we both enjoy an adult beverage from time to time, and upon seeing the large bottle of sparkling grape juice in the fridge, loudly asks, "Who in the world is drinking sparkling grape juice? This is a time for champagne!!!" Since we had planned on telling them that night anyway, I answered her that Nancy was drinking it because she's knocked up. Excitement of course ensued, and the cat was out of the bag.

I read some of said book, and I am now, more than ever, glad to be male. I read the section entitled Labor and Delivery. Big mistake. Let's just say that pushing a gargantuan noggin out of a small orafice is just above having my toenails pulled out with needle nose pliers on my list of things I would enjoy experiencing in my life. So I really sympathize with all females who decide to do this to themselves. I will definitely not get mad at Nancy as she is cursing my name and yelling obsenities at me during the birthing process. I will just smile knowingly, having educated myself with a little light reading 7 months prior.

The upside for Nancy is that her OB/GYN said she had a "nice pelvis" which should make birthing easier. After what I read, every little thing helps.

Knocked Up

In case you could not figure out my very difficult riddle, Nancy is preggers. We found out December 5th, told our families over Christmas, and finally went to the doctor on Monday. The first ultrasound looked good, and we could already see a strong little heartbeat. She is about 9 weeks, due on 8/13/10. Until we find out the baby's gender, I am calling him Jorge' (HOR-HAY).

Nancy is not a fan.

Riddle

Happy New Year!!

We had a pretty low-key get-together at our house for New Year's Eve. Derrick and Tiff and Bjorn and Devin came over to bring in 2010. We grilled fajitas, had some drinks, and generally just hung out. Nancy even made it until 2:30 am, which is about 6 hours past her bedtime.


Nancy looking festive



Tiff and Grizzly Adams...err, Derrick



Bjorn and Devin



Some cool cats



Devin "prepping" for midnight

Shelby got in on the party

2 of the 3 hot wives in attendance

At midnight, we had air horns, noise makers, and silly string. I think it was an off-brand silly string though, because it came out very wet. I realized this after I shot Tiffany and Derrick in the face while they were having their midnight kiss. What about my midnight kiss you might ask? Well, I can kiss Nancy any time, but how often do you get to play with silly string?

Deadly accurate

Tiff was not so happy about this

The floor is finally finished!

Well, we finally finished our little project. 3 weeks working only 2-3 hours a night, plus a little more on weekends, and it is finally DONE! Some parts were easier than I expected, and some were more difficult...but all in all, I think it turned out great. And I did not even have to hire anyone to finish it for me, and Nancy survived her house being torn to shreds. She is much happier now than she was a week ago.

Here are some pics: